Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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