He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
