I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
