He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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