u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
