i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
