smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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