and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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