You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
