I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
