I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
