Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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