When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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