Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
