He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
