Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
