You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
