so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dear god my vagina.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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