so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
