I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
last night I used snow as a chaser
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
