dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
