You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Sober January is a disaster.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize