I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
