i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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