I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
