At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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