I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
