I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
