The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
