what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
