It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
