Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
