I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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