Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
