someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
