We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
