The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
