Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
