This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I want to have your abortion
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i drank out of a bidet.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
