Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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