so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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