You work out of a Hotel?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
