i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
