I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
