I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize