I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
