walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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