My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
