I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
