Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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