Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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