My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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