I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
