Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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