My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
