there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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