R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
