When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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